10-29-16 Im Trying to Drown

 •I'm trying to drown• 

The stillness was ghostly 

Someone must have snapped their fingers and made it zero gravity

You start to notice things 

Like the coffee stain on your mothers sweatshirt

Or your fathers crooked glasses

How beautiful your sisters hair looks in the dim kitchen light

Your cats dark and lively eyes 

But you look down at your skin

A ghost white flashing back into your charcoal eyes 

Am I even in this moment?

Do they see me?

You move aimlessly through the room 

Looking for a clue or a sign that this isn't real 

The words that came out of your mothers mouth sounded bubbly

We're all floating under water 

The kitchen table floats above your head

The utensils scattered amongst the drowning room 

But you lock eyes with your mother 

Trying to understand what she's saying 

Just gurgling 

Then, in a split second, the water drops to the floor 

You hear those five words 

It could of been any five words "I love you sweet heart"

"Your father is not leaving"

"Life not going to change" 

I wish I was still drowning 

That the water would make every word sound like gibberish 

But the stillness was ghostly 

The five words were floating in the water below me 

I wish they would drown 

I wish my mom would swallow them back up 

But they floated right in front of my feet

But I am older now 

Five words turned into five years

I still feel the drip drop of the water when I enter the kitchen 

The floating utensils and appliances are scattered in my brain 

Everything is still here 

In that moment I thought everything would drown 

But I'm still breathing

I learned how to doggy paddle through 

I won't drown my words 

I'll let them float

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