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6-6-23 shedding

 it’s fine  don’t worry  i’m stepping out of this body to understand something better  I never felt like I could put my feet up anyway  The coasters on the coffee table weren’t used  The wood is still wet  I always asked for tea but you never bought it  I didn’t want to ask for tea anyway, I guess i’ll just have water  It’s dirty in here, I can’t sit down  I didn’t want to move my chair over anyway  It smells like grass and old books  I didn’t want to read to you anyway You can keep it all to yourself I’ve already changed out of my clothes  I didn’t want you to see my outfit anyway The carpet is scratchy  I can’t play my record anymore  I sold them to someone else  I didn’t want to dance anyway  But here now in this new body  I can rest my feet on your lap  I love feeling your warmth anyway  You got me a coaster for no apparent reason  The wood is dry  We had no tables, you gave...
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3-10-23 Despite It All

 i’m wrapped up  and here I am living despite the suffocation  I don’t deserve this  and here I am being loved despite the hardness of my heart  I forget how to walk  and here I am walking on the waters before me and ground that shakes  I’ve turned away  and here you are standing before me /despite it all/
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10-23-20 Dirt and Water

 to be empty and still be full to be nothing and yet everything  to feel at all  as if in a delicate dance of patience and fire twisted and ever so sure that it could fit i’m left here  life dirt and water  no one could really understand the mess but that’s what you were using  the garden is tended  the vines were green and all I could do was reach you were loving  and all I could do was reach like a delicate balance of green and joy  you understood  you understood the dirt and water  and somehow you crafted  I want to understand like you do  I want to love like you do  like a delicate balance of love and sacrifice  you were reaching and I was reaching  and somehow  someway  we danced /dirt and water/
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6-11-20 Upside

 paint smeared on the leaves of trees water gushing from the rocks that we climb  lightning strikes and the ground is now a canvas of prime  we dive deeper into the puddles of purple and blue  soon we will see tree trunks touch the sky  soon we will see leaves float  the puddles will drip onto our foreheads  we can sleep on each and every cloud until we feel weightless  what does it matter anymore to be grey when everything around us is tainted in prime  lightning is cold  we can climb endlessly  there isn’t an end this is the upside of things 
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6-1-20 Thin

 •thin• the dirt stole my courage  my hands grip my shoulders  I cross my legs until the insides of my thighs go numb  I melt in front of the mirror in my room  I look as though I was never meant to walk  My bones rattle as I take each step down my stairs  Dragging every last part of myself just to come right back to the dirt where it all started  i’m not sure if the dirt ever stole my courage  I may have planted it there  No water  No sun  and i’ll never have the motivation to dig it back up
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5-31-20 Breakables

 •breakables one beat after another  it bangs in my chest  like a drum without a sound  without a bass without a rhythm  i’m the only one who can feel it’s aching thunder  like something trying to burst through the skin  who is behind the sticks? I really will never know  no cymbals no shells but i know the feeling of this drum  it doesn’t stop until the song ends  and it’s only the beginning
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5-8-18

 I have not seen these scribbles for a while but tonight is a new kind of hurt the hurt that drives you insane until you can’t feel your fingertips on your skin anymore  the way my bed is curved brings me closer  the sun no longer sees my face because I hide my teeth and tongue do not touch  my legs shake and I can’t stand  are you there?  my head keeps turning but I can’t see you  this hurt is poison  this hurt is a dagger  But I will not be Juliet  everything is still beautiful  the eyes are still brown  my heart still beats this hurt will fade eventually  but tonight please let me cry
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