10-20-17 Guts and Darkness

 i'm afraid of guns 

i'm afraid of night 

i'm afraid of collisions 

i'm afraid of fear 

but i'm also afraid of me 

my hands are pistols

my eyes are sewn shut 

I can't reach the gas pedal on my car 

I've collided with every tree and pedestrian that has ever crossed my path 

Is it over? Can I unlace the stitches yet?

It's dark in this hallway, but I see the white at the end of the tunnel 

I run closer and closer, but it's me 

My hands pointed towards my belly 

Where do I run when every corner is my biggest fear?

When do I get to throw it all away and meet You face to face like You always said it would be

When can I stop being dead?

When can I put my hands down?

i'm also afraid of questioning

I'm afraid of doubting 

i'm afraid of being afraid

The dark is more comfortable now 

My hands are covered with cloth 

The car door is locked and the keys are hidden under the couch cushions 

But i'm still here, staring at myself and wondering,

Was I even living at all? 

•guts and darkness•

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